From you to my dreams to Reality

I was all yours. I wanted nothing but you and I gave myself totally to you. I was this useless bundle of love that was just hanging on to you. So strong, pushed here and there, but I kept holding on because you were all that mattered. All that I wanted was you and more of you. All I wanted was to be with you. Wasn’t very satisfactory. It was very temporary though, always had to hold on more tightly because it would go anytime, or change. And it did change. And it was horrible. The more strongly I held, the further away from me, it went. Overall was more tears than laughter, more hate than love; more ugliness than beauty; more illusions than reality. Wasn’t very satisfactory. So the time when all I wanted was you is over. Although it wasn’t and isn’t in my hands to decide this.

Now all I want is to be with myself. With my dreams, with truth and reality. My dreams and reality aren’t contradictory although these two words usually are. Because I dream of reality. I dream of truth and reality. Not the reality around me, faked by everyone and every system, imposed and constructed by ideas and culture, by greed and contempt, by fear and injustice, by desire and man’s ego. Not the reality of money, status, social rules and politics. Not the reality of organized religions, not even the reality of a flawed science manipulated by power. Not the reality of time and space as clocks and measurements describe.

The reality I dream to be living is the reality, not found by Buddha or Christ, but felt in the core. It’s the indescribable that manifests all around and pervades every atom. It’s the reality of our DNA and of the construction of time and space. It’s how atoms assemble and disassemble. It’s how my emotions arise and pass. It’s how the world revolves, if it is revolving. It’s the reality of motion, movement, sound and frequency. The reality of death and life and sickness and health and beauty and the body and the mind, and what more is there inside of us, if there is more. And outside of us? Or is the delineating mark between inside and outside the one that will dissolve at the touch of Reality?

Maybe, or maybe not. You see, I have this strong feeling that this is it. That the separation between the I and the rest, inside and outside, me and others; is the illusion. That’s the reality that solves every other problem that exists in the whole world and inside of ‘me’ instantaneously. Once this reality is understood and faced with bare eyes, the rest crumbles like a mirage. I am almost sure this is the truth, but I need to convince myself this is  it.

And for this, I’m going to use the reality of this world-mirage imposed on me. I will use the education system and money and status and recognition to reach the proofs to consolidate my theory, or to prove it wrong. I’m going to America for my studies and Anthropology is taking me there. Anthropology among us, ‘civilised people’, anthropology in the depths of the Amazonian shamanic science, anthropology sitting next to Tibetan yogis and questioning them, every rich civilisation and poor. What do they know about time and space, life and death, body and mind, that we do not know? How to they bend ‘laws’ of nature and science? And according to which laws do they operate?
Our reality negates theirs. Our reality negates bending time and space and our body functions. But they have done it several times under scientific observation. Still we negate the possibility of such a reality. I want to deconstruct all this capitalist, industrialist, unsustainable, artificial reality we have consolidated over the years. At least help in deconstructing this. While I wish for truth and harmony to shine through, I appreciate the balance between positive and negative. However, the balance is bending way too much on the negative side.

Maybe it’s just how I’m seeing it. Maybe I’m ignoring all the beauty and awesome that we developed as the human culture and I’m focusing on the bad, that’s why I see an imbalance, heavier on the negative side. Even then, truth and reality if I find them, will get rid of this seeming imbalance created by my eyes and my mind.

No matter what, truth and reality is where I’m heading to. After drugs and religion, now let’s try anthropology. From my tiny island in the Indian Ocean, off the East coast of Africa, I’m making my way to America after years of dreaming. I can’t remember when I started to dream of going to America, it’s been so long. Now my dreams, truth and reality are all I want to be with.

Egoistical? In my dreams, this has got nothing to do with ego, just going with the flow and making the most of the life and dreams I’ve been given. 


Redefining Archetypes

gandalf_the_grey_by_kitao_chan-d5t4w3iDo you know the archetype of the sage or wiseman? With the long flowing beard, playful and reassuring eyes and enigmatic smile. The one who does not speak a lot, but appears randomly and unexpectedly, and pours down subtle but powerful pearls of wisdom. The one who has so much power on people he could make them his slaves, if he wanted. Like Gandalf and Dumbledore, or Osho or the ancient Indian sages, gurus or a powerful celtic magus or Merlin l’Enchanteur or Lauv or Rumi.

Take this archetype and put it in the body of a little girl. Wisdom has no age, no sex, no physical appearance, right? So there is no reason this could not be possible. What about a story on that? The all-knowing, wise and enigmatic little girl whom everybody else does not take really seriously at first glance, but who goes through the world making little changes and paving the paths she takes, with flowers and light.

You could say Ang, from ‘Avatar: The last Airbender’ is an example of this. But it’s not. Ang is still childish, learning and prone to the turbulent emotions of a young child. Remember when he went to the indian sage, the Guru to learn to open his chakra and about his own fears and stuff? Well, the girl i’m trying to portray does not need to go through all this. Because she already knows all one can teach. She is at the same level as the Guru et compagnie. (Actually there’s no level, but this is the easiest way to describe it).

At the Door.

Knock! Knock!

– Go.Away.

– Don’t you want to see who it is?

– I know it’s just another Illusion.

– So you think that, if you keep on refusing to open, the Illusions will stop coming at your door at some point?

– I don’t know. I don’t care. I ain’t opening that fucking door to anything again.

– What were not an Illusion, what if this time, it were Reality, or Truth, or something awesome like True Love, or the Mission of your life, or Enlightenment?

– Don’t care. I’d tell it to get lost just the same. Because whatever it can be, will always be accompanied by Pain. I don’t want the awesome, it’s bound to come with its partner: its opposite. Reality is right here, right now.

– Why don’t you just open the door and look at the Illusion as it is: as an illusion? Let it come and entertain it like one? It can’t hurt you if you remember it is an Illusion.

– Everytime I let one in, it becomes really hard to make it go afterwards. It’s like this intrusive guest that makes himself at home in your home and doesn’t want to go. And the more time I spend with it, the more I start to believe in him, and forget it’s an Illusion. I get into its game. And when he goes away (he’s bound to go at some point, because he ain’t real, or die right here and leave his rotten envelope behind for me to clean up,) it breaks my heart. I’m not entertaining Illusions in my house anymore.

– But you do know, that.. you’re one of them too, right?

– …

– Well, you are. Maybe you should get out of the house too and go away. Or shoot a bullet into your fucking illusional head.

A trip to the corners of the Mind

I don’t want to keep anything private to myself anymore. That’s just how i feel, i want to throw it all out and stop making such a big deal about it, and so that we can get it done with and move on. Because that’s what life is, moving on, constantly. Not getting caught up in swirls and marshes, and dodging the obstacles in the best way possible, dealing with failure and stuff… Failure is just what you don’t get, that you thought you wanted. But why you don’t get it, is because yourself you did not allow it. For your own interest. Or because you did something. The thing is that it’s all in there inside of you. Written by yourself. On yourself. There’s no one to judge outside of you. And there is no one who knows better than you what you did, and why you did. And the thing is, that you never had the choice? Did you? Do you ever have the choice? Or do you just do what you think is best, what attracts you the most? Its like this living thing, Life, or creation, has this magnetic power about it that seems to hold the strings to all the rest of the beings, and everything and everyone dances to that tune. And there’s nothing in your power, or in anyone else’s power, it’s just like magnetic forces playing on you, pulling you here, pushing you there, and the illusion is to think know..that…you are in control…… because the moment you start to think like that is the moment you become isolated from the rest. then ‘you’ begin to exist. Then man became self-conscious. Then he became scared. Then he felt alone. And guilty. And he was ashamed. But he is not in control of anything at all, he is one with it, dancing and playing, there is no one holding the reins and there is no one to follow, and no one has to follow him. We are all on the same basis, equal as fuck. and the two sides of the spectrum are there too. All we have to do is glide by, enjoy and not get caught in the promises of glory or the threats of the opposite. Leave them there as they are… Enjoy what you can, don’t grab.


It’s like we feel an obligation to be ordinary. You know. empty. Normal. We could be so much more. It’s scary. So big, so grand, that they got scared. That we got scared ourselves. And chose to leave the good and the bad. Do you leave Heaven, because Hell comes with it? Or do you take both? It’s all in the mind. There’s nothing outside the mind.


This is all intelligence at play. An intelligence so acute it could manipulate atoms and molecules and matter and create stuff around it, make these worlds arise. An intelligence that separated into so many people and gave each one of them an intelligence of their own, a life of their own, feelings of their own, and still maintains the connection between these infinitely small and dispersed selves with the whole, with the rest. And time.. Time comes as a tool in all this. Because it is needed to make everything happen one at a time and in sequence, time is also a creation of this intelligence.

The Sage’s Advice

Me: I sooo want to be free from everything and everyone!!!

The enigmatic, hinting at being all knowing but still will beat around the bush sage: Bitch please, you sooo ‘want’ this. You gotta be free from that want itself for a start.

Me: But then that sends me again on the merry go round.

Sage: exactly

Me: But how do i get really free from all these wants, from wanting to be free from the want of getting free (this can go on..) from everything and everyone ? Sage: Kill yourself and do a favor to humankind

Me: But… 😦 Stupid sage >.<