From you to my dreams to Reality

I was all yours. I wanted nothing but you and I gave myself totally to you. I was this useless bundle of love that was just hanging on to you. So strong, pushed here and there, but I kept holding on because you were all that mattered. All that I wanted was you and more of you. All I wanted was to be with you. Wasn’t very satisfactory. It was very temporary though, always had to hold on more tightly because it would go anytime, or change. And it did change. And it was horrible. The more strongly I held, the further away from me, it went. Overall was more tears than laughter, more hate than love; more ugliness than beauty; more illusions than reality. Wasn’t very satisfactory. So the time when all I wanted was you is over. Although it wasn’t and isn’t in my hands to decide this.

Now all I want is to be with myself. With my dreams, with truth and reality. My dreams and reality aren’t contradictory although these two words usually are. Because I dream of reality. I dream of truth and reality. Not the reality around me, faked by everyone and every system, imposed and constructed by ideas and culture, by greed and contempt, by fear and injustice, by desire and man’s ego. Not the reality of money, status, social rules and politics. Not the reality of organized religions, not even the reality of a flawed science manipulated by power. Not the reality of time and space as clocks and measurements describe.

The reality I dream to be living is the reality, not found by Buddha or Christ, but felt in the core. It’s the indescribable that manifests all around and pervades every atom. It’s the reality of our DNA and of the construction of time and space. It’s how atoms assemble and disassemble. It’s how my emotions arise and pass. It’s how the world revolves, if it is revolving. It’s the reality of motion, movement, sound and frequency. The reality of death and life and sickness and health and beauty and the body and the mind, and what more is there inside of us, if there is more. And outside of us? Or is the delineating mark between inside and outside the one that will dissolve at the touch of Reality?

Maybe, or maybe not. You see, I have this strong feeling that this is it. That the separation between the I and the rest, inside and outside, me and others; is the illusion. That’s the reality that solves every other problem that exists in the whole world and inside of ‘me’ instantaneously. Once this reality is understood and faced with bare eyes, the rest crumbles like a mirage. I am almost sure this is the truth, but I need to convince myself this is  it.

And for this, I’m going to use the reality of this world-mirage imposed on me. I will use the education system and money and status and recognition to reach the proofs to consolidate my theory, or to prove it wrong. I’m going to America for my studies and Anthropology is taking me there. Anthropology among us, ‘civilised people’, anthropology in the depths of the Amazonian shamanic science, anthropology sitting next to Tibetan yogis and questioning them, every rich civilisation and poor. What do they know about time and space, life and death, body and mind, that we do not know? How to they bend ‘laws’ of nature and science? And according to which laws do they operate?
Our reality negates theirs. Our reality negates bending time and space and our body functions. But they have done it several times under scientific observation. Still we negate the possibility of such a reality. I want to deconstruct all this capitalist, industrialist, unsustainable, artificial reality we have consolidated over the years. At least help in deconstructing this. While I wish for truth and harmony to shine through, I appreciate the balance between positive and negative. However, the balance is bending way too much on the negative side.

Maybe it’s just how I’m seeing it. Maybe I’m ignoring all the beauty and awesome that we developed as the human culture and I’m focusing on the bad, that’s why I see an imbalance, heavier on the negative side. Even then, truth and reality if I find them, will get rid of this seeming imbalance created by my eyes and my mind.

No matter what, truth and reality is where I’m heading to. After drugs and religion, now let’s try anthropology. From my tiny island in the Indian Ocean, off the East coast of Africa, I’m making my way to America after years of dreaming. I can’t remember when I started to dream of going to America, it’s been so long. Now my dreams, truth and reality are all I want to be with.

Egoistical? In my dreams, this has got nothing to do with ego, just going with the flow and making the most of the life and dreams I’ve been given. 

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Focus on…

Not you. Not him. Not anyone. Not anything. Focus on..the only thing that will forever remain. the dark canvas behind closed eyelids. You will be gone. He will. Everyone and everything will. But darkness and emptiness will always be here, at the time of death too probably, to make me confront myself..

I know the prison door is open. And Freedom is staring at me in the face. But I’m scared to go forth, because I might not need you anymore if I’m free. And I might not feel your needs and feelings. Even if i do, they might not touch me at all. And you won’t feel like you can relate to me anymore. And i might not be there for you as much as I am right now. I know..if I love you, and if the love is real, it’s gonna be stronger than anything and persist, whatever the condition I’m in, wherever I am, however high up in the sky i’m soaring. But this is like staking the love for freedom, it’s like taking the risk of losing the love for something which I want for myself which is freedom. It’s like putting freedom first, and love second. It’s like if I can do that, I don’t think I’m even worthy of the love. It’s like I’m losing a kind of true love test or something. But freedom and love shouldn’t be mutually exclusive. It shouldn’t be EITHER freedom OR love; it should be freedom WITH love or love with freedom. Because freedom is usually conducive to a proper, healthy, sane relationship.

And you always tell me I have to be free, you want me to be free. But you know I see everything in absolutes, and absolute freedom is..something big..and awesome.. and scary too. It’s like Lucy. And while I’m scared to run the risk of losing this love (knowing though that the risk is there all the fucking time, with girls and boys around, with boredom and death looming around), in the end, I’m not even sure if love exists at all. And I don’t want to restrict my freedom for something which might just have been an illusion all along. And…and…now that i come to think of it..Freedom too.. like love. like perfection. It’s the kind of thing that we constantly seek, but never seem to find. Or if we’re lucky enough to find it, by the moment we’ve found it, we are already seeking something else. It’s never gonna stop, like the earth rotating, the sun and tides rising n falling, atoms in motion.

The Sage’s Advice

Me: I sooo want to be free from everything and everyone!!!

The enigmatic, hinting at being all knowing but still will beat around the bush sage: Bitch please, you sooo ‘want’ this. You gotta be free from that want itself for a start.

Me: But then that sends me again on the merry go round.

Sage: exactly

Me: But how do i get really free from all these wants, from wanting to be free from the want of getting free (this can go on..) from everything and everyone ? Sage: Kill yourself and do a favor to humankind

Me: But… 😦 Stupid sage >.<