From you to my dreams to Reality

I was all yours. I wanted nothing but you and I gave myself totally to you. I was this useless bundle of love that was just hanging on to you. So strong, pushed here and there, but I kept holding on because you were all that mattered. All that I wanted was you and more of you. All I wanted was to be with you. Wasn’t very satisfactory. It was very temporary though, always had to hold on more tightly because it would go anytime, or change. And it did change. And it was horrible. The more strongly I held, the further away from me, it went. Overall was more tears than laughter, more hate than love; more ugliness than beauty; more illusions than reality. Wasn’t very satisfactory. So the time when all I wanted was you is over. Although it wasn’t and isn’t in my hands to decide this.

Now all I want is to be with myself. With my dreams, with truth and reality. My dreams and reality aren’t contradictory although these two words usually are. Because I dream of reality. I dream of truth and reality. Not the reality around me, faked by everyone and every system, imposed and constructed by ideas and culture, by greed and contempt, by fear and injustice, by desire and man’s ego. Not the reality of money, status, social rules and politics. Not the reality of organized religions, not even the reality of a flawed science manipulated by power. Not the reality of time and space as clocks and measurements describe.

The reality I dream to be living is the reality, not found by Buddha or Christ, but felt in the core. It’s the indescribable that manifests all around and pervades every atom. It’s the reality of our DNA and of the construction of time and space. It’s how atoms assemble and disassemble. It’s how my emotions arise and pass. It’s how the world revolves, if it is revolving. It’s the reality of motion, movement, sound and frequency. The reality of death and life and sickness and health and beauty and the body and the mind, and what more is there inside of us, if there is more. And outside of us? Or is the delineating mark between inside and outside the one that will dissolve at the touch of Reality?

Maybe, or maybe not. You see, I have this strong feeling that this is it. That the separation between the I and the rest, inside and outside, me and others; is the illusion. That’s the reality that solves every other problem that exists in the whole world and inside of ‘me’ instantaneously. Once this reality is understood and faced with bare eyes, the rest crumbles like a mirage. I am almost sure this is the truth, but I need to convince myself this is  it.

And for this, I’m going to use the reality of this world-mirage imposed on me. I will use the education system and money and status and recognition to reach the proofs to consolidate my theory, or to prove it wrong. I’m going to America for my studies and Anthropology is taking me there. Anthropology among us, ‘civilised people’, anthropology in the depths of the Amazonian shamanic science, anthropology sitting next to Tibetan yogis and questioning them, every rich civilisation and poor. What do they know about time and space, life and death, body and mind, that we do not know? How to they bend ‘laws’ of nature and science? And according to which laws do they operate?
Our reality negates theirs. Our reality negates bending time and space and our body functions. But they have done it several times under scientific observation. Still we negate the possibility of such a reality. I want to deconstruct all this capitalist, industrialist, unsustainable, artificial reality we have consolidated over the years. At least help in deconstructing this. While I wish for truth and harmony to shine through, I appreciate the balance between positive and negative. However, the balance is bending way too much on the negative side.

Maybe it’s just how I’m seeing it. Maybe I’m ignoring all the beauty and awesome that we developed as the human culture and I’m focusing on the bad, that’s why I see an imbalance, heavier on the negative side. Even then, truth and reality if I find them, will get rid of this seeming imbalance created by my eyes and my mind.

No matter what, truth and reality is where I’m heading to. After drugs and religion, now let’s try anthropology. From my tiny island in the Indian Ocean, off the East coast of Africa, I’m making my way to America after years of dreaming. I can’t remember when I started to dream of going to America, it’s been so long. Now my dreams, truth and reality are all I want to be with.

Egoistical? In my dreams, this has got nothing to do with ego, just going with the flow and making the most of the life and dreams I’ve been given. 


Vihangam Yoga

Vihangam” literally means “bird”. Just as a bird leaves its base on the earth to fly high in the sky, so does Vihangam Yoga enable the human Soul (Atma) to cut off its moorings in the Prakriti(phenomenal world) and realize its true and free nature.”

“In Vihangam Yoga the mind is lifted to its source, the Akshara Brahma where it is permanently quietened, just like a river losing its identity in the ocean. Once the soul is freed from bondage of the mind, it realises its true nature and stops identifying itself with the human body. In fact, the soul then acts as the master and guides the mind and the body in the way it likes. Having realised the futility of worldly pleasures, derived through the sense organs and their objects, it soars higher in search of the Absolute Bliss (Paramananda). It is then only that the real meditation of Vihangam Yoga starts, terminating in Samādhi, the ultimate aim of Yoga of meeting with the Supreme Soul. In this state the soul has attained liberation while residing in the body itself (Jivanmukti).”
from Wikipedia on Vihangam Yoga

Beauty emanates from Confidence

“There is nothing more attractive than confidence, once she sees her own beauty, everyone else will.”
Habeeb Akande

No, beauty does not emanate from confidence. Beauty emanates from nothingness, from the Origin. It was there since the beginning. It emanates from yourself at birth. It emanates from the original, genuine you. Ever noticed how beautiful children are, in their own right? Such individuality, such uniqueness, no trying to be like others, and yet each so differently beautiful.  Where does beauty go then? We lose confidence. We think theirs is the good way to look and be. So we think ours is wrong. Deep inside we know we are truly beautiful.* But we become shrouded by doubt and we start seeking validation from others to say we are beautiful. And others? They will jump on the first occasion to find your weakness spots and tell you you’re not, because they themselves are not confident enough and need to bring you to the same level or lower, so that their ego doesn’t feel threatened, so that it feels good. You don’t need anyone to confirm that you are beautiful. Be confident, know it, own this truth like you did as a child, and so your beauty shall shine again.

* How I can confidently say that everyone knows they are truly beautiful, that they just have doubts looking at very unconfident people asking people on the internet to look at their pictures and to tell them whether they are truly ugly or not. I’ve seen this a lot. And it shows that they don’t really believe they are ugly. But they have accumulated these doubts and other people’s opinions, so in the end they begin wondering: “Is that true? Could that be true? I need to get settled on that.” But if they were just by themselves, if there were no validation needed from others, they’d have no problem, because they don’t feel ugly. Because they are not ugly.

At the Door.

Knock! Knock!

– Go.Away.

– Don’t you want to see who it is?

– I know it’s just another Illusion.

– So you think that, if you keep on refusing to open, the Illusions will stop coming at your door at some point?

– I don’t know. I don’t care. I ain’t opening that fucking door to anything again.

– What were not an Illusion, what if this time, it were Reality, or Truth, or something awesome like True Love, or the Mission of your life, or Enlightenment?

– Don’t care. I’d tell it to get lost just the same. Because whatever it can be, will always be accompanied by Pain. I don’t want the awesome, it’s bound to come with its partner: its opposite. Reality is right here, right now.

– Why don’t you just open the door and look at the Illusion as it is: as an illusion? Let it come and entertain it like one? It can’t hurt you if you remember it is an Illusion.

– Everytime I let one in, it becomes really hard to make it go afterwards. It’s like this intrusive guest that makes himself at home in your home and doesn’t want to go. And the more time I spend with it, the more I start to believe in him, and forget it’s an Illusion. I get into its game. And when he goes away (he’s bound to go at some point, because he ain’t real, or die right here and leave his rotten envelope behind for me to clean up,) it breaks my heart. I’m not entertaining Illusions in my house anymore.

– But you do know, that.. you’re one of them too, right?

– …

– Well, you are. Maybe you should get out of the house too and go away. Or shoot a bullet into your fucking illusional head.

Reality: so bad..or not?

Reality is..the thing that is not exactly, not always, how you’d like it to be. You a perfect love with no issues, like being able to make money from what you love doing, like living in harmony with everyone friends and family, having a perfect body and face and health, having others recognize your worth, not having to deal with anger and sadness, and all the ideal shit..

Reality is where everything doesn’t fit in with what You want.

It’s funny how reality has this negative connotation about it. Like…when everything is awesome, you feel like it’s ‘magical’, you say it’s like a dream you’re living, it’s like anything but reality. Because reality is painful, reality is not perfect. Reality is problematic. Reality puts an end to your dream.
But…but..then again, this is only because it doesn’t answer to your wishes and desires, and doesn’t match your definitions of how things should be, how You should be. So, if you don’t have any requests, any demand about how stuff should be like, to please your little being, then..reality is fine. Reality is just what it is. We won’t have any problem with it. It loses its negative connotations. And then, we don’t need drugs any more to escape from reality, we don’t seek refuge in food, we don’t need to run away abroad, we don’t get bored and look for something better to do, we don’t cry in love, we don’t kick and scream at our lover because he’s not loving us well enough, we don’t hate our parents because they’re so fucked up, we don’t desperately try to find a way out of reality. Reality is no more at our heels, trying to eat up our dreams. Reality kind of becomes livable. Like we’re in it and at peace with it.
But are we ready to give up our ideas of what we want so badly all the time? music to listen to in the bus. better food than what is in the kitchen. more money. material stuff. spiritual stuff. a cigarette. a joint. love. sex. God. Enlightenment. Power. Freedom.

Unless there is this thing that is ultimate reality where you actually see that everything is exactly how ‘you’ want it to be. but this i don’t know.

Movie Tricks: Reality tricks?

Do you know that movie trick they do, when someone is thinking about something, trying not to think about something, or wishing really hard for something, or he is scared-obsessed about it; if they, for example flip through channels on the television, each channel will be talking about that specific thing in a different way each time? Or going on a drive, all the billboards and signs outside upon which your eyes will fall will be pointing to that, or be related in someway to that?

Well, I was thinking…it happens so many times on television. Where does this idea come from? I mean, is it based off an actual occurrence or natural phenomenon that goes unnoticed but exists in the real life, or has it been fabricated from scratch in some one’s mind.

Then I thought I’ve seen this so much; maybe even the fact that this portrayal is so recurrent on television, is because I’ve been thinking about that too much.

This is a little freaky.

I don’t know if it is confirming or breaking down the theory.

Grasping reality, unlearning stuff

– I feel horrible. I feel like I’m losing you. I’m scared.

– What? You know I’m here and I love you. It’s all in your head, don’t you worry about that.

– It’s in my head. Exactly. If losing you is in my head, then having you too could be in my head. And the more I think of it, the more it seems that that is how it is actually. It’s all in my head, and whatever I conceive of existing outside of it, well it isn’t there. There is nothing else outside my head. And I don’t know if it’s a good or a bad thing. You know it’s like how I always take this example where I’m looking at this chocolate cake and you’re looking at it too. But you’re seeing a cheesecake. And I think you’re seeing a chocolate cake too. And you think I’m seeing a cheesecake too. But there is no way of seeing it from the same perspective. And we keep on talking about the same object thinking we are talking about the same thing we are seeing, but we are not. And that is kind of alienating. You think you share something. But for that person, that thing is a something else totally. So you’re not sharing anything in the end. It’s like that popular question, “How do you know that your red looks like my red?”

And that brings me to think we are all very alone in our mind-created worlds, full of subjectivity and influences we’ve been exposed to since childhood, that have shaped our conception of the world, our view of the world. Taking an almost impossible hypothetical situation where all influences and subjectivity have been kept to a null value, then the resulting or non-resulting image of the world is going to be as close to the actual object, taking the world to be the object, and our image of it as a mathematical transformation.

The next important question is: can we undo the influences that came to be stuck onto us? If yes, is it through a conscious or unconscious effort? What would support the ‘yes’ answer to the question are the latest scientific findings about how our genes are able to rewrite themselves, and how our neural networks are constantly rewiring connections, ceasing old ones, making new ones, etc.