From you to my dreams to Reality

I was all yours. I wanted nothing but you and I gave myself totally to you. I was this useless bundle of love that was just hanging on to you. So strong, pushed here and there, but I kept holding on because you were all that mattered. All that I wanted was you and more of you. All I wanted was to be with you. Wasn’t very satisfactory. It was very temporary though, always had to hold on more tightly because it would go anytime, or change. And it did change. And it was horrible. The more strongly I held, the further away from me, it went. Overall was more tears than laughter, more hate than love; more ugliness than beauty; more illusions than reality. Wasn’t very satisfactory. So the time when all I wanted was you is over. Although it wasn’t and isn’t in my hands to decide this.

Now all I want is to be with myself. With my dreams, with truth and reality. My dreams and reality aren’t contradictory although these two words usually are. Because I dream of reality. I dream of truth and reality. Not the reality around me, faked by everyone and every system, imposed and constructed by ideas and culture, by greed and contempt, by fear and injustice, by desire and man’s ego. Not the reality of money, status, social rules and politics. Not the reality of organized religions, not even the reality of a flawed science manipulated by power. Not the reality of time and space as clocks and measurements describe.

The reality I dream to be living is the reality, not found by Buddha or Christ, but felt in the core. It’s the indescribable that manifests all around and pervades every atom. It’s the reality of our DNA and of the construction of time and space. It’s how atoms assemble and disassemble. It’s how my emotions arise and pass. It’s how the world revolves, if it is revolving. It’s the reality of motion, movement, sound and frequency. The reality of death and life and sickness and health and beauty and the body and the mind, and what more is there inside of us, if there is more. And outside of us? Or is the delineating mark between inside and outside the one that will dissolve at the touch of Reality?

Maybe, or maybe not. You see, I have this strong feeling that this is it. That the separation between the I and the rest, inside and outside, me and others; is the illusion. That’s the reality that solves every other problem that exists in the whole world and inside of ‘me’ instantaneously. Once this reality is understood and faced with bare eyes, the rest crumbles like a mirage. I am almost sure this is the truth, but I need to convince myself this is  it.

And for this, I’m going to use the reality of this world-mirage imposed on me. I will use the education system and money and status and recognition to reach the proofs to consolidate my theory, or to prove it wrong. I’m going to America for my studies and Anthropology is taking me there. Anthropology among us, ‘civilised people’, anthropology in the depths of the Amazonian shamanic science, anthropology sitting next to Tibetan yogis and questioning them, every rich civilisation and poor. What do they know about time and space, life and death, body and mind, that we do not know? How to they bend ‘laws’ of nature and science? And according to which laws do they operate?
Our reality negates theirs. Our reality negates bending time and space and our body functions. But they have done it several times under scientific observation. Still we negate the possibility of such a reality. I want to deconstruct all this capitalist, industrialist, unsustainable, artificial reality we have consolidated over the years. At least help in deconstructing this. While I wish for truth and harmony to shine through, I appreciate the balance between positive and negative. However, the balance is bending way too much on the negative side.

Maybe it’s just how I’m seeing it. Maybe I’m ignoring all the beauty and awesome that we developed as the human culture and I’m focusing on the bad, that’s why I see an imbalance, heavier on the negative side. Even then, truth and reality if I find them, will get rid of this seeming imbalance created by my eyes and my mind.

No matter what, truth and reality is where I’m heading to. After drugs and religion, now let’s try anthropology. From my tiny island in the Indian Ocean, off the East coast of Africa, I’m making my way to America after years of dreaming. I can’t remember when I started to dream of going to America, it’s been so long. Now my dreams, truth and reality are all I want to be with.

Egoistical? In my dreams, this has got nothing to do with ego, just going with the flow and making the most of the life and dreams I’ve been given. 

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Reality: so bad..or not?

Reality is..the thing that is not exactly, not always, how you’d like it to be. You know..like a perfect love with no issues, like being able to make money from what you love doing, like living in harmony with everyone friends and family, having a perfect body and face and health, having others recognize your worth, not having to deal with anger and sadness, and all the ideal shit..

Reality is where everything doesn’t fit in with what You want.

It’s funny how reality has this negative connotation about it. Like…when everything is awesome, you feel like it’s ‘magical’, you say it’s like a dream you’re living, it’s like anything but reality. Because reality is painful, reality is not perfect. Reality is problematic. Reality puts an end to your dream.
But…but..then again, this is only because it doesn’t answer to your wishes and desires, and doesn’t match your definitions of how things should be, how You should be. So, if you don’t have any requests, any demand about how stuff should be like, to please your little being, then..reality is fine. Reality is just what it is. We won’t have any problem with it. It loses its negative connotations. And then, we don’t need drugs any more to escape from reality, we don’t seek refuge in food, we don’t need to run away abroad, we don’t get bored and look for something better to do, we don’t cry in love, we don’t kick and scream at our lover because he’s not loving us well enough, we don’t hate our parents because they’re so fucked up, we don’t desperately try to find a way out of reality. Reality is no more at our heels, trying to eat up our dreams. Reality kind of becomes livable. Like we’re in it and at peace with it.
But are we ready to give up our ideas of what we want so badly all the time? music to listen to in the bus. better food than what is in the kitchen. more money. material stuff. spiritual stuff. a cigarette. a joint. love. sex. God. Enlightenment. Power. Freedom.

Unless there is this thing that is ultimate reality where you actually see that everything is exactly how ‘you’ want it to be. but this i don’t know.

From ‘Waking Life’

Waking Life: A movie you ABSOLUTELY need to watch!

And he was really into Gnosticism, and this idea that this demiurge, or demon, had created this illusion of time to make us forget that Christ was about to return, and the kingdom of God was about to arrive. And that we’re all in 50 A.D., and there’s someone trying to make us forget that God is imminent. And that’s what time is. That’s what all of history is. It’s just this kind of continuous, you know, daydream, or distraction. So we’re walking along, and Lady Gregory turns to me and says, “Let me explain to you the nature of the universe. Now Philip K. Dick is right about time, but he’s wrong that it’s 50 A.D. Actually, there’s only one instant, and it’s right now, and it’s eternity. And it’s an instant in which God is posing a question, and that question is basically, ‘Do you want to, you know, be one with eternity? Do you want to be in heaven?’ And we’re all saying, ‘No thank you. Not just yet.’ And so time is actually just this constant saying ‘No’ to God’s invitation. I mean that’s what time is. I mean, and it’s no more 50 A.D. than it’s two thousand and one. And there’s just this one instant, and that’s what we’re always in.” And then she tells me that actually this is the narrative of everyone’s life. That, you know, behind the phenomenal difference, there is but one story, and that’s the story of moving from the “no” to the “yes.” All of life is like, “No thank you. No thank you. No thank you.” then ultimately it’s, “Yes, I give in. Yes, I accept. Yes, I embrace.” I mean, that’s the journey. I mean, everyone gets to the “yes” in the end, right? Right.

-Waking Life, the movie.

Waking Life quote – Louis Mackey

Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy scene
Louis Mackey
Tiana Hux quote in Waking Life

Waking souls crossing paths

And their eyes met and he smiled. They both knew. And there was nothing to say about it. The physical acknowledgement of a smile was not even necessary. But it made it go through more smoothly than anything else. They could have gone their ways without smiling while still knowing, or they could have stopped to talk at length and in details about it all, but a smile was the simplest and most effortless way to share that moment.

Now that they knew it, there was nothing to do about it. Nothing to get excited about, nothing to exploit, nothing to make money from, nothing to show to impress others, nothing to indulge in, nothing to share. All these years she had been struggling with her thoughts, with her emotions, her motivations in life, her mission, her responsibilities, right and wrong, people, family and lovers, government, authority and rebellion, the planet, religion, God, what to eat, what not to, whom to listen to and where to go, what to do. She had been struggling with all these and with the attempt to put an end to it all. She had desired freedom, enlightenment, release from the world of illusions; and now, all of these looked like one thing. The struggle and the quest were not different from the destination she had reached. It all formed part of the same thing. She had been enjoying and suffering but the drama was worth it, like any good movie with the right doses of tragedy, comedy and drama. The more intense it was, the more she had got a kick out of it, while searching for the end of it all at the same time. Like playing blindfold. Why would you intentionally put a blindfold on your eyes and play around when you could see clearly without? It makes it more fun. That’s what she had been doing, intentionally wearing the blindfold to make it more fun, while wishing to see more clearly.

She had struggled a long time to get rid of the blindfold. But now she had taken it off. Nothing much had changed. The sky was still blue…and purple and orange and grey at times. It still got cold in winter and at night. She still got hungry and she still went to the toilet. The body was just the body. Was she anymore than the body? Was she anymore than the individual soul? Was she just part of the universal soul? Or was she the totally of it ? Or was ‘she’ just an illusion? And all there was was ‘it’?

The separation between she and it had become more and more ambiguous and she had begun to wonder if that was not the only illusion that had to be dispelled for everything else to fall into place.