Horror-movie distortion of reality

And I shuffled through clothes in my closet, not one felt right. “What is this thing with ‘feeling right’ anyway? Why do I think about lucky clothes and stuff every time I pick something to wear?” I thought. I was so angry at myself and picked the most bad-luck jeans I had and said “fuck that shit, my future doesn’t depend on that kind of tricks”. Then I passed in front of the mirror, and “fuck I am ugly,” I told myself. I hated what I saw in the mirror. Whom do I try to con all the time ? Trying to look pretty or to be something else? In that moment, everything else just felt apart, all the superfluous, all the things I half-believed in and I half-loved. And my hair, all falling out, I could not understand why my hair was thinning and falling so excessively, and there was nothing I could do to stop it, nor to understand the cause. It was so sudden and without any possible explanation. I talked to myself. Loud. I wanted to bang my head and crack it open. I wanted to tear my remaining hair out. I wanted to scratch open my skin.
I just wanted to die.


Blue-faced girl

I had a dream last night of a girl who kept saying her boyfriend’s running here and there, and abruptly doing weird things. We were a group of people hanging out in some station merged with a Fire station. The girl just appeared occasionally so I didn’t mind her. I just thought her boyfriend is probably tensed. Then, we went to attend a speech by the Queen Elizabeth of England in a church. There were many other religious leaders from organizations like buddhism to tiny sects. Then the girl went mad. She seemed to be bad-tripping. But without having ingested anything. It’s like her brain just snapped. And i tried to be her sitter and help her. Then her face turned blue- painted blue. And she sat there like that, not very graceful. Photographs were taking her pictures, because she seemed to be very attention-captivating, very intense. I asked them not to publish the pics without asking her later, because she isn’t in her normal state. They talked to me about her state, one photographer saying “i’ve tripped a lot and i’ve seen bad trips.. it’s sad but she hasn’t consumed anything, so how and when will this subside? i don’t know.” I seemed to be able to coax her only very slightly to calm down, she wasn’t mad. She was just very scared and disturbed and something had snapped.