From you to my dreams to Reality

I was all yours. I wanted nothing but you and I gave myself totally to you. I was this useless bundle of love that was just hanging on to you. So strong, pushed here and there, but I kept holding on because you were all that mattered. All that I wanted was you and more of you. All I wanted was to be with you. Wasn’t very satisfactory. It was very temporary though, always had to hold on more tightly because it would go anytime, or change. And it did change. And it was horrible. The more strongly I held, the further away from me, it went. Overall was more tears than laughter, more hate than love; more ugliness than beauty; more illusions than reality. Wasn’t very satisfactory. So the time when all I wanted was you is over. Although it wasn’t and isn’t in my hands to decide this.

Now all I want is to be with myself. With my dreams, with truth and reality. My dreams and reality aren’t contradictory although these two words usually are. Because I dream of reality. I dream of truth and reality. Not the reality around me, faked by everyone and every system, imposed and constructed by ideas and culture, by greed and contempt, by fear and injustice, by desire and man’s ego. Not the reality of money, status, social rules and politics. Not the reality of organized religions, not even the reality of a flawed science manipulated by power. Not the reality of time and space as clocks and measurements describe.

The reality I dream to be living is the reality, not found by Buddha or Christ, but felt in the core. It’s the indescribable that manifests all around and pervades every atom. It’s the reality of our DNA and of the construction of time and space. It’s how atoms assemble and disassemble. It’s how my emotions arise and pass. It’s how the world revolves, if it is revolving. It’s the reality of motion, movement, sound and frequency. The reality of death and life and sickness and health and beauty and the body and the mind, and what more is there inside of us, if there is more. And outside of us? Or is the delineating mark between inside and outside the one that will dissolve at the touch of Reality?

Maybe, or maybe not. You see, I have this strong feeling that this is it. That the separation between the I and the rest, inside and outside, me and others; is the illusion. That’s the reality that solves every other problem that exists in the whole world and inside of ‘me’ instantaneously. Once this reality is understood and faced with bare eyes, the rest crumbles like a mirage. I am almost sure this is the truth, but I need to convince myself this is  it.

And for this, I’m going to use the reality of this world-mirage imposed on me. I will use the education system and money and status and recognition to reach the proofs to consolidate my theory, or to prove it wrong. I’m going to America for my studies and Anthropology is taking me there. Anthropology among us, ‘civilised people’, anthropology in the depths of the Amazonian shamanic science, anthropology sitting next to Tibetan yogis and questioning them, every rich civilisation and poor. What do they know about time and space, life and death, body and mind, that we do not know? How to they bend ‘laws’ of nature and science? And according to which laws do they operate?
Our reality negates theirs. Our reality negates bending time and space and our body functions. But they have done it several times under scientific observation. Still we negate the possibility of such a reality. I want to deconstruct all this capitalist, industrialist, unsustainable, artificial reality we have consolidated over the years. At least help in deconstructing this. While I wish for truth and harmony to shine through, I appreciate the balance between positive and negative. However, the balance is bending way too much on the negative side.

Maybe it’s just how I’m seeing it. Maybe I’m ignoring all the beauty and awesome that we developed as the human culture and I’m focusing on the bad, that’s why I see an imbalance, heavier on the negative side. Even then, truth and reality if I find them, will get rid of this seeming imbalance created by my eyes and my mind.

No matter what, truth and reality is where I’m heading to. After drugs and religion, now let’s try anthropology. From my tiny island in the Indian Ocean, off the East coast of Africa, I’m making my way to America after years of dreaming. I can’t remember when I started to dream of going to America, it’s been so long. Now my dreams, truth and reality are all I want to be with.

Egoistical? In my dreams, this has got nothing to do with ego, just going with the flow and making the most of the life and dreams I’ve been given. 

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At the Door.

Knock! Knock!

– Go.Away.

– Don’t you want to see who it is?

– I know it’s just another Illusion.

– So you think that, if you keep on refusing to open, the Illusions will stop coming at your door at some point?

– I don’t know. I don’t care. I ain’t opening that fucking door to anything again.

– What if..it were not an Illusion, what if this time, it were Reality, or Truth, or something awesome like True Love, or the Mission of your life, or Enlightenment?

– Don’t care. I’d tell it to get lost just the same. Because whatever it can be, will always be accompanied by Pain. I don’t want the awesome, it’s bound to come with its partner: its opposite. Reality is right here, right now.

– Why don’t you just open the door and look at the Illusion as it is: as an illusion? Let it come and entertain it like one? It can’t hurt you if you remember it is an Illusion.

– Everytime I let one in, it becomes really hard to make it go afterwards. It’s like this intrusive guest that makes himself at home in your home and doesn’t want to go. And the more time I spend with it, the more I start to believe in him, and forget it’s an Illusion. I get into its game. And when he goes away (he’s bound to go at some point, because he ain’t real, or die right here and leave his rotten envelope behind for me to clean up,) it breaks my heart. I’m not entertaining Illusions in my house anymore.

– But you do know, that.. you’re one of them too, right?

– …

– Well, you are. Maybe you should get out of the house too and go away. Or shoot a bullet into your fucking illusional head.

Waking souls crossing paths

And their eyes met and he smiled. They both knew. And there was nothing to say about it. The physical acknowledgement of a smile was not even necessary. But it made it go through more smoothly than anything else. They could have gone their ways without smiling while still knowing, or they could have stopped to talk at length and in details about it all, but a smile was the simplest and most effortless way to share that moment.

Now that they knew it, there was nothing to do about it. Nothing to get excited about, nothing to exploit, nothing to make money from, nothing to show to impress others, nothing to indulge in, nothing to share. All these years she had been struggling with her thoughts, with her emotions, her motivations in life, her mission, her responsibilities, right and wrong, people, family and lovers, government, authority and rebellion, the planet, religion, God, what to eat, what not to, whom to listen to and where to go, what to do. She had been struggling with all these and with the attempt to put an end to it all. She had desired freedom, enlightenment, release from the world of illusions; and now, all of these looked like one thing. The struggle and the quest were not different from the destination she had reached. It all formed part of the same thing. She had been enjoying and suffering but the drama was worth it, like any good movie with the right doses of tragedy, comedy and drama. The more intense it was, the more she had got a kick out of it, while searching for the end of it all at the same time. Like playing blindfold. Why would you intentionally put a blindfold on your eyes and play around when you could see clearly without? It makes it more fun. That’s what she had been doing, intentionally wearing the blindfold to make it more fun, while wishing to see more clearly.

She had struggled a long time to get rid of the blindfold. But now she had taken it off. Nothing much had changed. The sky was still blue…and purple and orange and grey at times. It still got cold in winter and at night. She still got hungry and she still went to the toilet. The body was just the body. Was she anymore than the body? Was she anymore than the individual soul? Was she just part of the universal soul? Or was she the totally of it ? Or was ‘she’ just an illusion? And all there was was ‘it’?

The separation between she and it had become more and more ambiguous and she had begun to wonder if that was not the only illusion that had to be dispelled for everything else to fall into place.

Movie Tricks: Reality tricks?

Do you know that movie trick they do, when someone is thinking about something, trying not to think about something, or wishing really hard for something, or he is scared-obsessed about it; if they, for example flip through channels on the television, each channel will be talking about that specific thing in a different way each time? Or going on a drive, all the billboards and signs outside upon which your eyes will fall will be pointing to that, or be related in someway to that?

Well, I was thinking…it happens so many times on television. Where does this idea come from? I mean, is it based off an actual occurrence or natural phenomenon that goes unnoticed but exists in the real life, or has it been fabricated from scratch in some one’s mind.

Then I thought I’ve seen this so much; maybe even the fact that this portrayal is so recurrent on television, is because I’ve been thinking about that too much.

This is a little freaky.

I don’t know if it is confirming or breaking down the theory.

Grasping reality, unlearning stuff

– I feel horrible. I feel like I’m losing you. I’m scared.

– What? You know I’m here and I love you. It’s all in your head, don’t you worry about that.

– It’s in my head. Exactly. If losing you is in my head, then having you too could be in my head. And the more I think of it, the more it seems that that is how it is actually. It’s all in my head, and whatever I conceive of existing outside of it, well it isn’t there. There is nothing else outside my head. And I don’t know if it’s a good or a bad thing. You know it’s like how I always take this example where I’m looking at this chocolate cake and you’re looking at it too. But you’re seeing a cheesecake. And I think you’re seeing a chocolate cake too. And you think I’m seeing a cheesecake too. But there is no way of seeing it from the same perspective. And we keep on talking about the same object thinking we are talking about the same thing we are seeing, but we are not. And that is kind of alienating. You think you share something. But for that person, that thing is a something else totally. So you’re not sharing anything in the end. It’s like that popular question, “How do you know that your red looks like my red?”

And that brings me to think we are all very alone in our mind-created worlds, full of subjectivity and influences we’ve been exposed to since childhood, that have shaped our conception of the world, our view of the world. Taking an almost impossible hypothetical situation where all influences and subjectivity have been kept to a null value, then the resulting or non-resulting image of the world is going to be as close to the actual object, taking the world to be the object, and our image of it as a mathematical transformation.

The next important question is: can we undo the influences that came to be stuck onto us? If yes, is it through a conscious or unconscious effort? What would support the ‘yes’ answer to the question are the latest scientific findings about how our genes are able to rewrite themselves, and how our neural networks are constantly rewiring connections, ceasing old ones, making new ones, etc.