He did not call.

When people don’t get a call, they probably don’t even notice. If they do, they just say he’s probably busy. And get over it and continue with their work. Or they make the call themselves. They don’t go on analyzing why and how and what it means and what this in turn means and this can go on and on. I wish i could too, you know. Like just switch off this thing. and stop thinking. Stop this analyzing sprees. Because I know it’s not even an efficient mechanism: it cannot consider all the factors and variables that actually are involved. It’s missing many of them and it follows branches of thought that are specifically the most self-destructive until it reaches a very dark place where you’re miserable and there’s no way out, except violence, hatred: self-hatred and hatred of the other. And your thought dwells there and it takes root there. And it becomes very hard to uproot it again. it’s like falling into this infinite spiral and it’s really dark down there. And it’s like. this diseased thing. a cancerous cell multiplying and dividing itself; expanding exponentially, abnormally and alarmingly fast. it feels like it’s gonna destroy you till you die, just like cancer, or till you go crazy. Going crazy is more scary than dying.

Yeah i wish i could just not bother about it.. but when i don’t get a call, this is what happens in my head:

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It’s not pretty. and it’s scary too. And i’m not responsible for it. If i were, i’d stop at the first question. and have a blank page and a blank mind. but it’s overcrowded, it’s going overboard, it’s too much for a little head. and i wish i could channel this into something creative or beautiful, but it doesn’t work like that. it goes into directions i do not want it to go, it doesn’t follow any orders, it’s the one in command, and I have to watch its drama show. ‘It’ is not Me. No. I should not identify with It. but it’s part of me. Denying this doesn’t make it go away. On top of that i know all this is just an ego-play. In reality there’s no 2 there’s only 1. There’s no separation between him and I. Acidheads, sages and shamans will say there’s no 2, so all that is going on in your head is invalid. But my mind. it wont listen. Thought, in its very nature is dualistic and divisive, so it is bound to create the distance, the space, the distinction, the expectations, the hatred, the hurt, the jealousy, the other woman. No she isn’t born out of my thought. i hate the other woman. yes i do. and i freaking do. We’re not 1. i’m not her. To hell with the acidheads and sages and shamans : make me feel one with her and I’ll believe you. Till then I hate her and i’m gonna hate him because of her.

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Little Whispering Devil

April 10, 2014

There’s someone who lives inside my head. Most of the time he’s hidden. He just comes at random times to whisper things like “he doesn’t love you”, “it’s over”, “you failed, you’re gonna fail, and there’s no way out”, and “see what he did/ did not do, isn’t it clear he doesn’t give a shit about you?”, “i told you to stay on your guard, you didn’t now it’s too late”, “whatever you thought existed between you two is not and was never real”, “welcome to reality babe”. Thing is, I don’t usually realize it’s that little someone saying those things, I just automatically listen and believe. No matter how absurd the things he whispers are, he 
manages to make them seem extremely credible. And as I listen, the swirl of bad thoughts gains momentum and only becomes more engulfing, until I want to die. But that little someone, I want him to shut up. I simply have to not listen to him. But he’s so stealthy, I don’t notice his presence I just take what he says as my own thoughts and as reality. I don’t notice him until it’s too late. And then he’s already done his job and gone back into hiding.The Devil Whispering in Your Ear