Your Ex Moving On.

Happy for you that you found love, happiness, deep bonding and a person to share your life.

Happy for a minute. The next, I want to die.

I feel so deserted, alone, without anyone I can romantically, deeply rely on.

The next minute, I want to close all my social media accounts, go to the jungle and immerse myself into the natural web with the rest of the universe, to the point that my little feelings, my little needs, my little griefs, my little confusions, my little frustrations become an offering sacrificed into the fire to be cleansed and transmute to consolidate my state of being one with all, one with the rest, one with you too on a different level.

The next minute still, I know this is not going to happen for a while, so I want to immerse myself in my readings, writing anthropology and academic work, school so much that nothing else, no human connection, no man has any relevance in my world. That minute, I am thankful for Reed’s insane workload and the busy schedule that I have been accusing of sucking away my life.

The next minute, I am still in a whirlpool of thoughts and feelings, of which I cannot make any sense. Happy; jealous; sad; angry; want to leave; want to be your friend; knowing those feelings are bs; knowing there is nothing to worry about; and the feelings of murky uneasiness in my stomach again.

It feels as if a major reconfiguration of my universe is happening, where a building block that was keeping the rest of the puzzle structure together, has had to be reshuffled out to form a different configuration in the constellation of my universe.

I am not sure which position this essential block, node, neuron that you were, is going to occupy, if it is leaving this universe completely. Right now I can only see it moving, morphing, and it is only the very beginning of the process.

When I immerse myself and let go of my self completely as I become one again with the natural web, where ‘I’ won’t matter, where the individual self dissolves into the absolute self, my universe will extend to all beings, objects and thoughts, so that no matter where you are in any corner of the world, in a relationship or not, married or not, dead or alive, I will be able to see how you form part of this web and how we are connected and will always be.

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Him being out there, and in you too don’t have to be mutually exclusive.

You being One and two, too.

Him being Him, and Him being You, too.

Who are You?

-I know who I am. I know that I am. And, You who ask me that question, I love you.

 

The color wavelengths that my skin reflects and your photoreceptors pick up

Apparently, the properties of color which are inherently distinguishable by the human eye are hue, saturation, and brightness.

Brown is made up through some of these combinations.

After a day of protest (maybe I sat in for 3hrs in total max, in between classes), drained and sleepy, I dragged myself to go take a shower. Passing by the mirror, I saw my reflection. It pained me to see that I am brown – or a person of color; (because apparently, the others are devoid of color?) Wait, what?

It hurts me. I feel an intense tearing sensation inside me, pulling at my heart from all directions. It pains me not because I directly experienced racism (I’m not even sure what such a situation is supposed to look like). Before coming to the States, and Reed, I was a virgin: I had no experience with racism at all. Now, I see it all around and not really sometimes. I am not sure I am aware of racism as much as my American peers are. But I see it subtly all around; in the looks, the attitudes towards me compared to my white friends, in the structural injustices experienced by my black and brown peers. I see it in Hum110, I see it in the resistance to diversify the syllabus, in the fractures within the Hum faculty, I see it when faculty defend the importance of everyone knowing those Eurocentric roots of all the main disciplines, (as if those are the foundations of all intellectual thought), failing to acknowledge that these disciplines have grown to become the main ones and such an understanding of what is intellectual has been put in place, precisely through imperialism and colonialism, at the expense of other ways of knowing the world, other disciplines. I see racism when they ignore and reject the desires of students to look at the world through non-Eurocentrically-tainted lenses. I see it in the reaction of the President to the movement and protests, I see it in the way I went to work today, and my white colleagues either talked about the protest in a vague, misinformed manner, without knowing what it’s for, or were uncomfortable and dismissive of the subject- because they have the privilege to be that way. I do not have the privilege to impose my reality on them; because it is only marginal. I am pressured to conform to this flawed reality, where racism is a thing- although I do not agree with it, and where talking about racism is too uncomfortable. Had it been an equally big, race-less, universal issue on campus, could/would they have ignored it in the same way?

It pains me not because I feel personally affected by racism. (I must be and am, at the larger structural level that escapes my immediate, everyday attention; and in situations where it is so deeply ingrained that I have learnt to take it for granted that this is the way things are, without even recognizing that this is not the same for white people).

I feel so much pain from this reflection in the mirror which tells me: racism exists. How can racism exist? It makes my heart weep. We are all just humans. How can the color that your eyes pick up from the wavelengths of color reflected off my skin, be the basis for so much violence, injustice, conflict, misunderstanding, hate, grief, struggle, oppression, subjugation? How can all these people around me, who claim to care for me, who gave us cookies for Halloween, who act as the protectors and the president of our community of Reedies, still be perpetuating racist practices, from a position of power and privilege? These are the very power and privilege that the white secured by invading this land, calling its peoples Indians, grabbing their lands and resources to turn into their wealth and using black slave labour to build their empire.  They climbed, stepping on our backs, to rest comfortably at the top and then went on to propagate their culture at the expense of others and impose their ontologies and values throughout the world with the economic and political power unfairly won by exploiting all these other races.
The resulting sweet, comfortable, powerful privilege is what the President of my school is today using to silence and ignore our voices, our pains, our problems.

It hurts me to have to acknowledge that being brown does not only mean having a beautiful, glistening color. I have come to realize that being brown – at least with regards to what it means in the eyes of racists and those who perpetuate racism – carries such a heavy price. I don’t feel inferior being brown. I have enough dignity and see and know the truth of who I am, enough to know that none of those ignorant perspectives and structural, historical, colonial factors have any bearing on who I am and my worth. I feel so much pain, simply to have to acknowledge the ignorance present in the world, among humanity, in the US (this powerful nation), and at Reed (the most progressive environment where I have ever been). Why, how could racism exist? I refuse to accept that ‘racism just exists.’ It has no premises, no foundations. It cannot exist. And since it does exist, I will continue to question its existence until we all realize that since it has no grounds at all, it cannot and should not exist anymore.

I wish the totality of the Reed community: all the faculty, the staff, the other students would all pay attention to what is happening. Even if they do not agree with all the demands, with all the ideas of RAR, with the methods, at least recognize that a bigger issue is being addressed, that of racism, and that we cannot just live with the knowledge that ‘it is there, that’s sad but oh well’. Yes you can do that any other time, but NOW, what is happening currently, the sit-in and the ongoing protests since Black Lives Matter, have been possible only through Reed’s community members’ huge amounts of work, organizing, efforts, sacrifice, emotional toil, energy, and hard decisions, failures and the courage to keep going- and of course, so much courage at all steps,- conviction and with the collaborative work from so many in the community: students, faculty and staff included. A great machinery has been set in motion, and it is not easy to set it in motion again, if it dies out. It has gained much momentum and this is the time to help make things change. If you still look away and don’t feel concerned, not even simply to recognize, (without endorsing ideas), the extremely taxing and painful experience that your peers or community members are going through in order to address this question of racism, (THAT NEEDS TO BE ADDRESSED BECAUSE IT’S F*CKIN STUPID, and the source of so much suffering and frustration,) then I will..not judge you. I will just feel more pain, from realizing the ignorance that prevails; an ignorance that racism feeds on, and that racism feeds.

 

Care not this much

Why do you care so much?

Why does he have so much power over you?

Nobody likes people  they have power over.

Just. You don’t need to care so much about this. Loosen your grasp. Go with the flow. You don’t need him. You don’t need anything. You already know that.

Love him, yes. And remember that love is free and freeing. No one is in bondage here.

non?Dual me

I have had a taste of the stench of evil and of the exquisite nectar of divinity both in my own being. I am neither or both. Those who know me at my sweetest, have had a glimpse of the dark pit of horror that I can be. Those who have known me moderately and appreciate me, have passingly or subconsciously caught a whiff of my ugliness.  (I try to hide it most of the time because it stinks and burns and enshrouds both my and others’ eyes with a sulphurous dark veil of ignorance and hate). My own eyes tell me that I know only a fraction of all the potential they hide in their depths. I try not to choose the evil when I tap into the powers that inhabit me. But I know that I am not snow-pure-white-good only and being reminded of this helps not to demonize the darkness when I see it and to be on my guards everytime I start to think I’m on the good side and take a saintly-superhero-ego trip, separating myself from and looking down upon evil, ignorant others. The darkness that I have experienced in the world, that I can see around; it is within me as well. I can be either. I am both. How bright do you want to shine? How big, dark and cold a shadow do you want to cast?

He is happy. So am I.

He is happy.
She is awesome. She is the best thing that could have happened to him.
Better than I could be to him? With more love to offer to him than how much is overflowing from my heart? My emotions and my desire to be with him try to convince me that the answer is no; she does not love him more, no, she is not the best thing that could happen to him; with all the love I have for him, I am better.
So, I close the doors to the emotions of my heart and the intuition that exudes from it.
This emotion is replaced by.. or transmuted into (or maybe it is, in the first place, driven by) a larger feeling of love for him: I care enough for his happiness and have enough love for him, I tell myself, that it is more worthwhile to allow him this perfect love with his sweetheart.

:)

  When I realized that I could not be any prettier than I already was – or wasn’t,- I stopped trying . It was a freedom I had not known since a long time. Since childhood.