Kali, Gil Bab

Kali was here.

Not mounted on my crown like an Orisha but permeating through all the physical and energy channels on my limbs, body, spine and head, exploding from within my cells, her spirit overtaking mine, so much creative energy, power, chaos, it’s self consuming but so cathartic, allowing this Kali divine energy to be expressed. Then, the music hit. Soothing the Goddess’s turbulent tornado of power, calming and guiding, Shiva lay on her path at her feet. Gil baba’s music, like shamanic guidance, became Shiva energy, attending to this wild burst of Kali, who was herself manifested through me with Gil’s music, my dance, trance. That’s one thing that stayed on my mind for a bit of the day: it’s not him creating a magnificent spectacle. It’s each of us here being ourselves the best we can to make this show together by bending, twisting the structures of our realities to shape the common, shared one. It’s each of us; it’s my shot at playing with this creative dough, pull it as far as I want, do anything I want with it, twist time and space with it, navigate beautiful lands, pull strings of love from everyone’s hearts around and bring, bind them together; and the dough has magical powers, it turns into reality. It’s the reality dough. And both Gil and I and everyone had their share of the dough with which we were playing and which was creating the show of what we were all experiencing then and there.


Death, Separation Anticipations

I saw this video of a dog which had recently died, and its dog friend was trying to wake it up again, very vigorously.

I could not but feel sad about this event that is death. This is not normal to me. I generally take death to be just part of life and I always say that I look forward to mine because I know it is merely a reshuffling of elements, because ‘I’ my true self can never cease to exist, no matter whether I have a bodily envelope, human envelope, mental, or spiritual envelope.

But it also made me feel so far away from my parents. I realized that we have limited time together on this Earth; together, me as their child, them as my parents, my dad as my dad, my mom as my mom. We live away from each other, and think it’s for the good of our (my) future.

I imagine myself suddenly dying (because I cannot imagine it happening to any of them) and immediately I feel and I know it is (going to be) such a tremendously difficult goodbye to say.

Can I do anything better than what I am doing right now so that this good bye will be without too many regrets about what I should have done better when I had the time with them..

CW: sad sad death video



Destructive Love

I don’t just date people.
I crack open the layers of their life, penetrate into the core, turn everything upside down, destabilize and upset all structures, deconstruct the very building blocks and fabric of their reality, shred their life apart, set fire to it, and walk away, leaving them almost as wrecked as I am from the whole process. Can I please stop?

Insights into the Nature of Being in this World from Sex with You

Throughout the morning (and afternoon) -after, little realizations bubbled up to the surface, sending ripples through the fabric of my reality.

These little realizations offered to me the possibility of reconfiguring, reorganizing the structures of  my reality: of what is true, how to be, what are limits to the possibilities of who I can be, and the possibility of reconnecting, through a new perspective, with the fundamental unmoving truth of my consciousness, the deep core being that I eternally was and am.

You made me think of approaching a romantic and sexual relationship outside of the boundaries of what we assume relationships should be.

You led me to overcome the boundaries of social norms with regards to relationships and sexuality in a different way from the way I was doing it.

You reframed the concept of living one’s life with the only commandment of to have a good time, and reframed what having a good time is about.

Made me rethink how it fits into the philosophy of non-duality – Advaita Vedanta – where a good time isn’t to be sought, because it is not any better fundamentally, it is merely more pleasurable. And pleasure always exists with its counterpart, pain, which will catch up with you. Pain is not bad, it is just real. It exists, is valid and has as much claim and right to exist as pleasure. To seek one over the other is to reject this truth.

But having a good time is not to be met with its opposite: This is equally buying into the dualistic notion of cause-effect. If I do not accept a reality of cause-effect, where indulging in having a good time is necessarily to be met with a reestablishment of balance, through pain, on that dimension of my experience; if I do not project anything on what having a good time will lead to in the future, and merely take in what the present of having a good time entails; does the reality of having a good time change accordingly? Well, I wouldn’t, couldn’t care, because what would happen if I have a good time, wouldn’t matter anymore, wouldn’t exist, because..no law of cause-effect. Even this argument is using cause-effect. So you stop thinking about what would happen, and you just have a good time.

You also reorganized my ideas about relationships with people and what we expect from them, why we expect from them. Love without being selfish, love with an open heart that can appreciate the beauty, the awesomeness of the other person, along with their choices, their ideas, their realities, their desires – and recognize that trying to have them mirror your feelings, ideas, reality and choices, stems from an egoistic, selfish disposition and should be dropped as soon as one is conscious of this.

Having sex with you and wanting more from you made me realize all these things and it made me realize to take it easy: it’s all good, and the ball of awesomeness that you are is also just fine, to be appreciated without restrictions or attachment. It made me realize that such a connection (on such a subtle dimension, materialized through our sharing common meta-metaphysical interests and musical attunement), as the one I feel with you is even possible. If this unexpected, previously unconceivable form of one-to-one connection is possible, what else could be? The set of possibilities is exponentially expanded.

You and sex with you lifted up a veil to reveal a new plane, new perspective on myself, as well as a new plane of this world, which is not really separate from me after all.


Feelings Seeking Expression Not Validation

So afraid of feelings.

All of us.

What won’t we do to avoid the vulnerable little piece of neediness, openness and realness, the crazy being who can fly, who needs no food to survive, who is so super-powerful in this augmented reality, augmented from the reality of the other person toward whom we feel feelings.

So tempting, all that power. The moment we start feeling feelings, we feel the power on the other side of the door, we feel drawn to this alternative reality and all its potential; above all, to its ability to make everything feel alright, like we have witnessed, like how it feels to think about and be with that person.

But we also know that side by side with the temptation, exists the knowledge of the vulnerability that is waiting to engulf us. It may not be conscious but we stay away from each other, we draw our boundaries, we protect our egos. We comfort ourselves with the knowledge of who replied last. We put the magical experience we had into a familiar narrative: it was just hanging out, it was just a one night stand, it was just a tinder date; and we treat our experience according to what’s appropriate to those contexts and the expectations.

I do not dare say anything more than what I am expected to feel.

I am afraid. My feelings are excessive.

I do not want to impose attachment and a needy self on you. I don’t want you to deal with the vulnerabilities that you don’t want, nor feel.

Does that mean I cannot even tell you about my experience?

I cannot ask you: what if, maybe,  you don’t want to run away from my feelings?

I want to run away from them myself, and I know them from the inside, wrestle with them, know their validity and beautiful power. I wouldn’t blame you if you wanted to run away too, you who are not even acquainted with them.

Boy | Girl

I thought I was a girl who should fall in love with boys until now because that’s what they told me. I trusted them because that’s how you learn as a child. I didn’t know at that time that they could be mistaken and misled, that the world isn’t all about truth although it tries to sound like scientific rationality, logic and truth are the highest values. Instead, as I navigate this path to understand the world and myself, I am confronted with power mechanisms manipulated by a few, who out of egoic motives or out of ignorance, force a profit-motivated, political or historically constructed false understanding of reality upon others. Not only wrt false facts about the world but also about myself, like what gender I should subscribe to and how I should feel and express myself romantically and sexually.

It happens

It happens so often.
It happens all the time.
Whether you remember it or not, does not affect the reality of it.
That which philosophers, poets, artists, sages seek and talk about.

Bliss? Nirvana? Enlightenment?
No enlightenment is when light is shone upon those moments, where they stop disappearing into the void that lives in the cracks between your memories, when they stop going to hide behind the veil of ignorance after you experience them;
Enlightenment is when these moments are recognized, and the unity of all the other moments is seen, as those moments sought for their mystical bliss, find their boundaries dissolve; as all and nothing becomes that and not that.

That cannot continue to exist, as that exists only in opposition to what is not that. Dualism cannot persist anymore; the veil is pierced.

But what do I know about Enlightenment? How can I speak of enlightenment, I who suffer from the push-and-pull of desire, laziness, greed, jealousy, vanity, confusion, joys and sorrows; I who am not enlightened.

But those moments, initially mentioned, I can talk about them. They slip back behind the veil, but I attempt to grasp remnants of them. Like when you wake up from a dream and try to hold on to those pieces that will disappear soon; like when you are in a dream, and try to hold on to pieces of your waking life conscious self in order to navigate lucidly.

Like when you are a child and you grow up and try to hold on to memories from your childhood because they hold treasures of wisdom, and hints about the path and key to that place where you seek refuge and to which you feel you were closer, as a child. .

Like when you are older, and a scent, a music, a place, a person brings back echoes of those moments from your childhood when you were in that place of peace, living with that subconscious knowledge of what to be, what you want, what the world is, of that. 

Just now was a moment of that. I’m just sitting at this coffeeshop working on an annoying load of work at 1.20am. In front of me is the high strung barista, and I’m sitting there, the opposite: very laid back, maybe just a little too much. He’s at work. I’m working too, but not on the clock. I’m at peace with myself. There is good music playing. I don’t need anything. I don’t know, all these details don’t mean a thing. I experienced the glorious moment of peace and bliss for a split second there and there is no reason for it. Its mere existence contains all necessary meaning to be derived from it.