Insights into the Nature of Being in this World from Sex with You

Throughout the morning (and afternoon) -after, little realizations bubbled up to the surface, sending ripples through the fabric of my reality.

These little realizations offered to me the possibility of reconfiguring, reorganizing the structures of  my reality: of what is true, how to be, what are limits to the possibilities of who I can be, and the possibility of reconnecting, through a new perspective, with the fundamental unmoving truth of my consciousness, the deep core being that I eternally was and am.

You made me think of approaching a romantic and sexual relationship outside of the boundaries of what we assume relationships should be.

You led me to overcome the boundaries of social norms with regards to relationships and sexuality in a different way from the way I was doing it.

You reframed the concept of living one’s life with the only commandment of to have a good time, and reframed what having a good time is about.

Made me rethink how it fits into the philosophy of non-duality – Advaita Vedanta – where a good time isn’t to be sought, because it is not any better fundamentally, it is merely more pleasurable. And pleasure always exists with its counterpart, pain, which will catch up with you. Pain is not bad, it is just real. It exists, is valid and has as much claim and right to exist as pleasure. To seek one over the other is to reject this truth.

But having a good time is not to be met with its opposite: This is equally buying into the dualistic notion of cause-effect. If I do not accept a reality of cause-effect, where indulging in having a good time is necessarily to be met with a reestablishment of balance, through pain, on that dimension of my experience; if I do not project anything on what having a good time will lead to in the future, and merely take in what the present of having a good time entails; does the reality of having a good time change accordingly? Well, I wouldn’t, couldn’t care, because what would happen if I have a good time, wouldn’t matter anymore, wouldn’t exist, law of cause-effect. Even this argument is using cause-effect. So you stop thinking about what would happen, and you just have a good time.

You also reorganized my ideas about relationships with people and what we expect from them, why we expect from them. Love without being selfish, love with an open heart that can appreciate the beauty, the awesomeness of the other person, along with their choices, their ideas, their realities, their desires – and recognize that trying to have them mirror your feelings, ideas, reality and choices, stems from an egoistic, selfish disposition and should be dropped as soon as one is conscious of this.

Having sex with you and wanting more from you made me realize all these things and it made me realize to take it easy: it’s all good, and the ball of awesomeness that you are is also just fine, to be appreciated without restrictions or attachment. It made me realize that such a connection (on such a subtle dimension, materialized through our sharing common meta-metaphysical interests and musical attunement), as the one I feel with you is even possible. If this unexpected, previously unconceivable form of one-to-one connection is possible, what else could be? The set of possibilities is exponentially expanded.

You and sex with you lifted up a veil to reveal a new plane, new perspective on myself, as well as a new plane of this world, which is not really separate from me after all.



Feelings Seeking Expression Not Validation

So afraid of feelings.

All of us.

What won’t we do to avoid the vulnerable little piece of neediness, openness and realness, the crazy being who can fly, who needs no food to survive, who is so super-powerful in this augmented reality, augmented from the reality of the other person toward whom we feel feelings.

So tempting, all that power. The moment we start feeling feelings, we feel the power on the other side of the door, we feel drawn to this alternative reality and all its potential; above all, to its ability to make everything feel alright, like we have witnessed, like how it feels to think about and be with that person.

But we also know that side by side with the temptation, exists the knowledge of the vulnerability that is waiting to engulf us. It may not be conscious but we stay away from each other, we draw our boundaries, we protect our egos. We comfort ourselves with the knowledge of who replied last. We put the magical experience we had into a familiar narrative: it was just hanging out, it was just a one night stand, it was just a tinder date; and we treat our experience according to what’s appropriate to those contexts and the expectations.

I do not dare say anything more than what I am expected to feel.

I am afraid. My feelings are excessive.

I do not want to impose attachment and a needy self on you. I don’t want you to deal with the vulnerabilities that you don’t want, nor feel.

Does that mean I cannot even tell you about my experience?

I cannot ask you: what if, maybe,  you don’t want to run away from my feelings?

I want to run away from them myself, and I know them from the inside, wrestle with them, know their validity and beautiful power. I wouldn’t blame you if you wanted to run away too, you who are not even acquainted with them.

Boy | Girl

I thought I was a girl who should fall in love with boys until now because that’s what they told me. I trusted them because that’s how you learn as a child. I didn’t know at that time that they could be mistaken and misled, that the world isn’t all about truth although it tries to sound like scientific rationality, logic and truth are the highest values. Instead, as I navigate this path to understand the world and myself, I am confronted with power mechanisms manipulated by a few, who out of egoic motives or out of ignorance, force a profit-motivated, political or historically constructed false understanding of reality upon others. Not only wrt false facts about the world but also about myself, like what gender I should subscribe to and how I should feel and express myself romantically and sexually.