Happy for you that you found love, happiness, deep bonding and a person to share your life.
Happy for a minute. The next, I want to die.
I feel so deserted, alone, without anyone I can romantically, deeply rely on.
The next minute, I want to close all my social media accounts, go to the jungle and immerse myself into the natural web with the rest of the universe, to the point that my little feelings, my little needs, my little griefs, my little confusions, my little frustrations become an offering sacrificed into the fire to be cleansed and transmute to consolidate my state of being one with all, one with the rest, one with you too on a different level.
The next minute still, I know this is not going to happen for a while, so I want to immerse myself in my readings, writing anthropology and academic work, school so much that nothing else, no human connection, no man has any relevance in my world. That minute, I am thankful for Reed’s insane workload and the busy schedule that I have been accusing of sucking away my life.
The next minute, I am still in a whirlpool of thoughts and feelings, of which I cannot make any sense. Happy; jealous; sad; angry; want to leave; want to be your friend; knowing those feelings are bs; knowing there is nothing to worry about; and the feelings of murky uneasiness in my stomach again.
It feels as if a major reconfiguration of my universe is happening, where a building block that was keeping the rest of the puzzle structure together, has had to be reshuffled out to form a different configuration in the constellation of my universe.
I am not sure which position this essential block, node, neuron that you were, is going to occupy, if it is leaving this universe completely. Right now I can only see it moving, morphing, and it is only the very beginning of the process.
When I immerse myself and let go of my self completely as I become one again with the natural web, where ‘I’ won’t matter, where the individual self dissolves into the absolute self, my universe will extend to all beings, objects and thoughts, so that no matter where you are in any corner of the world, in a relationship or not, married or not, dead or alive, I will be able to see how you form part of this web and how we are connected and will always be.