It happens

It happens so often.
It happens all the time.
Whether you remember it or not, does not affect the reality of it.
That which philosophers, poets, artists, sages seek and talk about.

Bliss? Nirvana? Enlightenment?
No enlightenment is when light is shone upon those moments, where they stop disappearing into the void that lives in the cracks between your memories, when they stop going to hide behind the veil of ignorance after you experience them;
Enlightenment is when these moments are recognized, and the unity of all the other moments is seen, as those moments sought for their mystical bliss, find their boundaries dissolve; as all and nothing becomes that and not that.

That cannot continue to exist, as that exists only in opposition to what is not that. Dualism cannot persist anymore; the veil is pierced.

But what do I know about Enlightenment? How can I speak of enlightenment, I who suffer from the push-and-pull of desire, laziness, greed, jealousy, vanity, confusion, joys and sorrows; I who am not enlightened.

But those moments, initially mentioned, I can talk about them. They slip back behind the veil, but I attempt to grasp remnants of them. Like when you wake up from a dream and try to hold on to those pieces that will disappear soon; like when you are in a dream, and try to hold on to pieces of your waking life conscious self in order to navigate lucidly.

Like when you are a child and you grow up and try to hold on to memories from your childhood because they hold treasures of wisdom, and hints about the path and key to that place where you seek refuge and to which you feel you were closer, as a child. .

Like when you are older, and a scent, a music, a place, a person brings back echoes of those moments from your childhood when you were in that place of peace, living with that subconscious knowledge of what to be, what you want, what the world is, of that. 

Just now was a moment of that. I’m just sitting at this coffeeshop working on an annoying load of work at 1.20am. In front of me is the high strung barista, and I’m sitting there, the opposite: very laid back, maybe just a little too much. He’s at work. I’m working too, but not on the clock. I’m at peace with myself. There is good music playing. I don’t need anything. I don’t know, all these details don’t mean a thing. I experienced the glorious moment of peace and bliss for a split second there and there is no reason for it. Its mere existence contains all necessary meaning to be derived from it.

 

 

 

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Your Ex Moving On.

Happy for you that you found love, happiness, deep bonding and a person to share your life.

Happy for a minute. The next, I want to die.

I feel so deserted, alone, without anyone I can romantically, deeply rely on.

The next minute, I want to close all my social media accounts, go to the jungle and immerse myself into the natural web with the rest of the universe, to the point that my little feelings, my little needs, my little griefs, my little confusions, my little frustrations become an offering sacrificed into the fire to be cleansed and transmute to consolidate my state of being one with all, one with the rest, one with you too on a different level.

The next minute still, I know this is not going to happen for a while, so I want to immerse myself in my readings, writing anthropology and academic work, school so much that nothing else, no human connection, no man has any relevance in my world. That minute, I am thankful for Reed’s insane workload and the busy schedule that I have been accusing of sucking away my life.

The next minute, I am still in a whirlpool of thoughts and feelings, of which I cannot make any sense. Happy; jealous; sad; angry; want to leave; want to be your friend; knowing those feelings are bs; knowing there is nothing to worry about; and the feelings of murky uneasiness in my stomach again.

It feels as if a major reconfiguration of my universe is happening, where a building block that was keeping the rest of the puzzle structure together, has had to be reshuffled out to form a different configuration in the constellation of my universe.

I am not sure which position this essential block, node, neuron that you were, is going to occupy, if it is leaving this universe completely. Right now I can only see it moving, morphing, and it is only the very beginning of the process.

When I immerse myself and let go of my self completely as I become one again with the natural web, where ‘I’ won’t matter, where the individual self dissolves into the absolute self, my universe will extend to all beings, objects and thoughts, so that no matter where you are in any corner of the world, in a relationship or not, married or not, dead or alive, I will be able to see how you form part of this web and how we are connected and will always be.