non?Dual me

I have had a taste of the stench of evil and of the exquisite nectar of divinity both in my own being. I am neither or both. Those who know me at my sweetest, have had a glimpse of the dark pit of horror that I can be. Those who have known me moderately and appreciate me, have passingly or subconsciously caught a whiff of my ugliness.  (I try to hide it most of the time because it stinks and burns and enshrouds both my and others’ eyes with a sulphurous dark veil of ignorance and hate). My own eyes tell me that I know only a fraction of all the potential they hide in their depths. I try not to choose the evil when I tap into the powers that inhabit me. But I know that I am not snow-pure-white-good only and being reminded of this helps not to demonize the darkness when I see it and to be on my guards everytime I start to think I’m on the good side and take a saintly-superhero-ego trip, separating myself from and looking down upon evil, ignorant others. The darkness that I have experienced in the world, that I can see around; it is within me as well. I can be either. I am both. How bright do you want to shine? How big, dark and cold a shadow do you want to cast?


He is happy. So am I.

He is happy.
She is awesome. She is the best thing that could have happened to him.
Better than I could be to him? With more love to offer to him than how much is overflowing from my heart? My emotions and my desire to be with him try to convince me that the answer is no; she does not love him more, no, she is not the best thing that could happen to him; with all the love I have for him, I am better.
So, I close the doors to the emotions of my heart and the intuition that exudes from it.
This emotion is replaced by.. or transmuted into (or maybe it is, in the first place, driven by) a larger feeling of love for him: I care enough for his happiness and have enough love for him, I tell myself, that it is more worthwhile to allow him this perfect love with his sweetheart.